1
What do Wesson and KY have in common?
Despite it being technically accurate, they'd both prefer you not refer to their products as "rape oil"
2
What did the physicists say when he accidentally broke his resistor?
my ghosh
3
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his soup before it was cool
4
My wife asked why I keep my guns in the library. I said it's for shelf
defense.
5
What do you call a bone that disrespects God?
A Blasfemur
6
What did the Giant say to the cripple?
Hodor. Hodor! Hodor!
7
Why are aussie bogans and necrophiliacs the same?
They both want to crack open a cold one.
8
Why is Empire Strikes Back the best Star Wars movie?
It's a perfect 5/7.
9
What do you call a flower in Florida?
Orlando Bloom.
10
How many feet are in a yard?
4 if you have a dog.
11
Why did Tiger Woods cheat on his wife?
He's used to playing 18 holes.
12
Why don't Germans play games with new players?
Because they don't want to wreck Danubes.
13
Why does the Pirate Wear Camouflage Underwear?
To hide his booty.
14
Where do you guys stand on the cheese debate?
I'm staunchly pro-volone.
15
What kind of jokes do bad comedians tell their audience?
Bad jokes.
16
Why did the emo kid leave the bar?
It was happy hour.
17
What happens to a laffy taffy joke in the rain?
It makes me laugh a little bit, in the rain.
18
What does the man with two left feet ask the shoe salesman?
"Do you sell flip-flips?"
19
How come oysters never donate to charity?
They are all shellfish.
20
What is Hilary Clintons favorite part about going to the beach?
Her Flip-Flops.
21
How do you know when a mongol is level?
He's drooling from both corners of his mouth.
22
Whats faster then a Aboriginal with a TV?
His son with the xbox.
23
Why did the dyslexic man have slime on his face?
Because I told him a good joke.
24
What does the Pokemon dentist do?
He takes a Pikachu teeth.
25
What do you call it when fish stop having babies?
Minnow-pause
26
Why did the redditor stand on a piece of fruit to check his weight?
BECAUSE HE WAS USING A BANANA FOR SCALE
27
What do you call a baby seal between two slices of bread?
A clubbed sandwich
28
What did the Ice Cream say to the Birthday Girl?
Go 'head girl, it's sherbert day
29
Why do Java programmers hate communism?
They don't want to live in a classless society.
30
What is the golden rule for cows?
Do unto udders as you would have udders do to you!
31
Whats the difference between Santa Clause and me ?
Santa Only Cums Once A Year
32
What do you call a witch at the beach?
A Sandwich.
33
Why did the comedian go to doctor?
Because the audience gave him the clap
34
My sea sickness comes in waves?
35
What is the worst animal std?
Gatoraids
36
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
37
Why do programmers prefer using the dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs.
38
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose?
Nobody nose.
39
What type of car does an African drive?
A Sudan
40
How did the Somali terrorist describe his flight?
"It was dynamite!"
41
Why are people leaving the Ukraine?
I don't know but they sure are Russian.
42
How are false teeth like stars?
They come out at night!
43
What do you call a hot day in Canada?
A Nova Scorcha!
44
What happened to the octopus in the football game?
He had tentackles.
45
I saw my husband trip and fall while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes?
I watched it all unfold.
46
Why is Forrest Gump as a young boy without his leg braces like a Samurai without a master?
Because everywhere he went, he was Ronin! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'll see myself out...
47
Why do asians have such squinty eyes?
Because atomic bombs are pretty bright.
48
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Punch his cousin
49
Why did the case against the great dessert robber get thrown out?
De minimis non curat lex.
50
What does a blonde put behind her ears to look attractive?
Her ankles.
51
How does a Jewish mother change a lightbulb?
"No, that's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark."
52
Why would a guitarist become a good programmer?
He's adept at riffing in C#.
53
What do you call a ghost chicken?
A poultry-geist!
54
Did you hear the joke about the 100-inch pizza?
It's hard to deliver.
55
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down?
56
Whoever invented the knock-knock joke should get a no bell prize?
57
What do you call a muscular Arab?
Protein sheikh
58
What happens when the Pope dies?
....another one popes up.
59
Ben & Jerry's really need to improve their operation?
The only way to get there is down a rocky road.
60
I don't trust sushi, there's something fishy about it?
61
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
62
I used to love to tell dad jokes.
Dad, come back...
63
Would you like to hear a joke about dried grapes?
It's not that good, don't go raisin your expectations.
64
What sort of transport does a sheep use?
A ewe-nicycle
65
Why do ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
66
What am I?
What has six tits and three teeth? The night shift at the Waffle House.
67
How do Muslims seperate the men from the boys?
With a crowbar.
68
Why did the Native American quit his desk job at the Marriot?
He didn't like dealing with reservations.
69
How do you know if your wine was made in the 90's?
It smells like teen spirit.
70
Why do Jewish men have to be Circumcised?
Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless its 20% off.
71
Did you hear about the new text-a-fart service?
It's just one cent per scent sent!
72
Why do Computer Scientists always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because OCT 31 = DEC 25!
73
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?
It ran out of juice.
74
Why do feminists hate the post the USPS?
Cause it's an all mail business.
75
Why don't nice people ride the train?
Because they're usually found on trucks.
76
Why shouldn't you write with a dull pencil?
It's pointless
77
What's the difference between a baby and a pile of sand?
You can't pick a pile of sand up with a pitchfork.
78
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
79
Why was the baby ant so confused?
Because all of his uncles were ants!
80
What did zero say to eight?
Nice belt!
81
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Because it was well armed.
82
Whats Hitlers least favourite pokemon?
Pikajew!
83
Where do you find a one legged cow?
Where ever you left it.
84
How does the queen bee get around the hive?
She's throne.
85
Why Did 9Gag Cross The Road?
To steal a Reddit User's post on the other side.
86
What do you call someone who points out the obvious?
Someone who points out the obvious
87
A UDP packet walks into a bar.
The bartender doesn't acknowledge him.
88
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
89
why do python programmers wear glasses?
Because they can't C.
90
What does an alcoholic ghost drink?
BOO'S.
91
Why doesn't George R.R. Martin use a Twitter?
Because he kills all 140 characters.
92
I started a new business making yachts in my attic this year...
The sails are going through the roof.
93
Why did the fork go to the party?
It wanted to have a good tine.
94
Why does the size of the snack not matter to a giraffe?
Because even a little bit goes a long way.
95
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing. It just waved
96
Why are black people so fast?
Because all the slow ones are in prison
97
What do you call a semi truck owned by an Italian?
That rig a Tonys.
98
My friend and I had this never
ending argument in a swimming pool in France Turned into a total piscine contest
99
What do you call a French sandal?
Philippe Flop!
100
Why won't Derek Zoolander vote for Hillary Clinton?
Because he can't turn left.